By Bill Pearson
TITLE SEQUENCE
MUSIC STARTS. PULL BACK FROM A RED LETTER F. A CHARGED PAINT ROLLER, HELD BY A ROBOTIC HAND, MOVED TOWARDS IT. PULL OUT TO REVEAL THE WORDING ‘SMEG OFF’. TWO ‘SCUTTER TUGS’ PRECEDE TO REMOVE THE GRAFFITI. ABOVE LOOMS THE LARGER AND MUCH EXPECTED ‘RED DWARF’ TYPOGRAPHY. TITLES SHOW SHIP IN THE VASTNESS OF SPACE.
MODELSHOT
A STAR GOES SUPERNOVA – BRIGHT, BLINDINGLY SO – THEN DIMINISHED TO NOTHING. LISTER WATCHES IN AWE THROUGH A WINDOW IN THE CELL BLOCK.
LISTER
Man! What a sight! A star going supernova and dwindling to cosmic dust! Nothing’s ever been seen like this since the Spice Girls went solo.
CAT IS READING A COPY OF ‘ALIEN WIFES.’ IT’S OBVIOUSLY A ‘STROKE MAG’ FEATURING E.Ts IN SEXUALLY EXPLICIT POSES. CAT’S FASCINATED BUT PERPLEXED BY THE CENTRE SPREAD. HE ROTATES IT 360 DEGREES AND STILL CANT FIGURE IT OUT – EVEN CHECKING THE FRONT COVER TO SEE WHICH WAY IS UP.
CAT
Don’t see it myself. But seven trillion Ziffeds can’t be wrong. It must be that bewitching grin on the fourth head. A sort of smirking fungoid Mona Lisa.
LISTER
Cat, you’ve just miss a once in a lifetime experience.
CAT
So? I’ve got another 8 lives to catch it on.
A BLUE PETER STYLE CHRISTMAS MOBILE HANGS FROM THE CEILING
KOCHANSKI
What is that for?
LISTER
Isn’t it obvious?
KOCHANSKI
A new drive system?
CAT
Hey! A’ sacrificed some of my best coat-hangers for that!
LISTER
Just tryin’ to brighten the place up – make it more festive…
KOCHANSKI REAPPRAISES THE OBJECT
KOCHANSKI
I suppose it’s the thought
SHE CUPS ONE OF THE FLUFFY BLACK SPHERES HANGING ON THE END OF EVERY BRANCH – BAR ONE.
KOCHANSKI
You seem to be missing one of the shinny black ornaments.
CAT CONVULSES AND SPITS UP ANOTHER ONE. HE SLICKS HIS HAIR BACK.
CAT
Thanks. Forgot we were one fur ball short
KOCHANSKI QUICKY REMOVES HER HAND IN DISGUST. LISTER LOOKS AROUND THE CELL AND SIGHS.
LISTER
How are we still here in prison?
KOCHANSKI
I didn’t think you’d need reminding.
LISTER
No… but it should have been different. We came back from the mirror universe through and earlier time-portal, and stopped Red Dwarf being terrorised by a dinosaur and being consumed by a corrosive micro-organism. Did we get any thanks? No! Hollister sentenced us to a further six years in jail. Why?
KOCHANSKI
Because of what you did to him. It was quite understandable.
LISTER
It wasn’t my fault…
KOCHANSKI LOOKS AT LISTER WITH INCREDULITY
LISTER
OK, It was… but I thought he’d be happy. He’s always wanted to loose some weight.
KOCHANSKI
…And some height?
LISTER
The time wand proved a little trickier to use than I thought.
KOCHANSKI
Yeah. You used it and then you broke it.
LISTER
It slipped…
LISTER’S WATCH ALARM SOUNDS
LISTER (TO KOCHANSKI)
Your turn to pick him up from kindergarden today.
LISTER PRODUCES A LOLLIPOP AND SWEETS
LISTER
Keep on his good side and he might parole us before his fifth birthday.
KOCHANSKI LEAVES THE CELL AS RIMMER ENTERS WITH KRYTEN. THE MECHANOID’S OVERLOADED WITH LOCATION BEACONS AND IS ATTEMPTING TO WRITE ON SHEETS OF CRUMPLED PAPER. THE SKUTTERS FOLLOW OBEDIENTLY. RIMMER DICTATES TO KRYTEN.
RIMMER
…And that’s 23. 32. 67.
LISTER
Is that your dream woman’s vital statistics Rimmer? Now i get the picture! Haven’t you checked the latest copy of Alien Monthly? There’s a Venusian Orange creature on page 37 that you could find appealing.
KRYTEN
You’re doing Mr Rimmer a disservice Sir. These numbers are actually space location co-ordinates.
LISTER
Ah, swottin’ up? It’s time for the officers exam again, is it? Not content with killing off Dwarf’s crew once already, you’re going for a sequel – Rimmer’s Revenge: Return of the Ill Fitting Driveplate!
RIMMER LOOKS WITH UNDISGUISED VENOM TOWARDS LISTER. KRYTEN INTERJECTS.
KRYTEN
Sir, he’s come up with the inspired, if somewhat clichéd idea, of sending these location beacons into the depths of space with a message attached.
KRYTEN HANDS A COMPLETED PACKAGE TO BOB THE SKUTTER, WHO PROMPTLY EXITS TOWARDS THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL HATCH.
KRYTEN
That makes… let me see… 227 beacons over the last month.
LISTER
So are you that desperate for a date then Rimmer?
KRYTEN
No Sir, the message is a greeting, and invites the lucky finder to join us in our travels across the galaxy.
LISTER
Oh, and we all get together for an Intergalactic Banquet in our palatial cell?
LISTER GESTURES TO THEIR SURROUNDINGS.
RIMMER
It’s a way out. If we make contact, first it’ll explain our present predicament, and as an intelligent race they’re bound to see justice is done and set us free. After all, we’re just victims of circumstance.
LISTER
Yea’ Rimmer. Have you been sniffin’ Kryten’s groin cleanser again?
KRYTEN LOOKS STARTLED.
LISTER
Don’t you think, in one of your infrequent moments of sanity, that this is all a bit of a longshot? You know the size of this quadrant, multiplied by the size of this system, multiplied by the other systems, – e’re talking about chances of millions if not trillions to one. It makes that needle in a haystack look huge by comparison.
KRYTEN
That’s something that puzzles me too Sir. Why would anyone in the first place, put a needle in a haystack? In fact Sir, what is a haystack?
THEY LL LOOK AT KRYTEN. HE SHEEPISHLY GRINS THROUGH HIS EMBARRASSMENT AND FUMBLES WITH THE BEACON.
KRYTEN
Ah… That seems to be that Sir.
HE HANDS THE LAST BEACON TO MADGE THE SKUTTER.
KRYTEN
Now may I be excused to continue my… eh, by comparison, infantile experiemtns in the field of Quantum Nanobot technology?
RIMMER
Oh if you must Kryten, – but remember our rehearsal at six… and, bring all the props this time – including the rather fetching tu tu.
LISTER LOOKS TO KRYTEN.
KRYTEN
It’s for the Christmas Panto. Please don’t ask anymore Sir. At this moment Iv’e still got a morsel of dignity left intact.
KRYTEN BUSIES HIMSELF COLLECTING HIS EQUIPMENT. LISTER ADDRESSES RIMMER.
LISTER
Basically Rimmer, what are the odds of an alien race, who can read English – let alone Kryten’s handwriting, finding your ‘message in a bottle’ and coming to our rescue?
HOLLY INTERRUPTS.
HOLLY
I’m recieving a deep space communication in an alien language. I think it’s for you Arnold.
RIMMER INSPECTS HIS FINGERNAILS AND POLISHES THEM ON HIS TUNIC.
LISTER
I don’t smegging believe this.
THEY APPROACH HOLLY’S MONITOR.
RIMMER
(Smugly) You’re sure it’s for me Holly?
HOLLY
Well Arnold, it’s a process of elimination. The alien’s are requesting the attention of Grand Earth Overlord Commander Rimmer, and there is something familiar about the last prat-… Sorry, last part of that title…
LISTER
So that’s the latest ‘non de plume’ Rimmer. I thought it would be impossible to improve on Ace, Big Man or even Bonehead!
RIMMER WINCES IN RESPONSE. THEN COMPOSES HIMSELF.
RIMMER
One must start with an air of authority in politics.
CAT INTERJECTS.
CAT
Air? Well you’ve got enough of that to fuel a fleet of sight seeing balloons – or better still, an orgy of inflatible love dolls.
RIMMER IS UNFAZED.
RIMMER
I get results. That’s what matters.
LISTER
You smeg he-
RIMMER”S REPLY IS HALTED AS A TRANSMISSION FLASHES ONTO A MONITOR SCREEN. THE PICTURED ALIEN LOOKS PROUD AND MAJESTIC.
ALIEN
We extend the hand of intergalactic peace and goodwill to Lord Rimmer and his subjects.
LISTER SEETHES.
RIMMER
Ahem. We, eh, accept your gesture and welcome you in, eh friendship.
HE ENDS WITH A TYPICAL RIMMER SALUTE. LISTER LOOKS FIT TO VOMIT.
KRYTEN
(In defence mode) Mr Rimmer’s just made contact with a hitherto unknown alien race. Doesn’t he deserve some respect?
THEY ALL LOOK EMBARRASSED TOWARDS EACH OTHER.
ALL
(Unanimous) Naw!!
KRYTEN IS FLUSTERED BY THE RESPONSE.
KRYTEN
Don’t worry Sir, I’ll stand by you.
RIMMER
Thank you Kryten. I knew I could rely on you.
KRYTEN
Thank you Sir.
RIMMER
And speaking of loyalty, there is the teeniest thing you could do to help me.
EXTERIOR RED DWARF
KRYTEN FLOATS IN SPACE OUTSIDE THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL HATCH. HE’S BEDECKED IN FLASHING HAZARD BEACONS – ONE ON EACH APPENDAGE – HEAD, HANDS AND FEET. NOW SPEARD HE RESEMBLES A VERY BRIGHT FIVE POINTED STAR ADRIFT FROM IT’S CHRISTMAS TREE MOORING.
HE’S TETHERED BY SOME KNOTTED BEDSHEETS TIED AROUND HIS WAIST. IN THE AIRLOCK BAY BOTH FAITHFUL SKUTTERS CLUTCH DILIGENTLY ONTO KRYTEN’S LIFELINE. KRYTEN SURVEYS THE DISTANT HORIZON. SILENCE PERVADES. RIMMER’S VOICE BREAKS THE SILENCE.
RIMMER
Ah… Kryten, there’s been a further transmission. I think a slight change of plan is in order. You know those friendly aliens we were expecting? Well they’re not exactly…
KRYTEN
(Relieved) Alien Sir? Oh good. I’m always at a loss when it comes to shaking the correct tentacle. Etiquette’s never been…
RIMMER
No Kryten, I think we’d better start again. They are in fact aliens – but the friendly bit is now slightly open to question.
KRYTEN
How so Sir?
RIMMER
Well… Let me put it this way. In their poll of their favourite hobbies, universal global annihilation and destruction is firmly in this week’s number one slot – but I’m sure it’s nothing to panic about.
KRYTEN
That’s very reassuring Sir, but can I remind you that what I’m trying to do is stay attached to all my component parts. I have no career plans, just yet, of marketing myself as an unassembled Airfix construction kit.
HOLLY TALKS TO RIMMER, LOUD ENOUGH TO BE HEARD BY KRYTEN.
HOLLY
You know that incoming invasion fleet of unimaginable barbaric destructive power?
RIMMER TRIES TO HUSH HOLLY.
RIMMER
No need to over exaggerate Holy.
HOLLY
I thought I was laying everything down – considering the deep doggy doo that Kryten’s found himself in.
KRYTEN IS NOW ALMOST HYSTERICAL.
RIMMER
Thanks Holly. Pity you aren’t human. Your ancestors would have been as great an asset to the Titanic as the Iceberg was.
HOLLY
So much for polite conversation then, back to facts. The aliens are within 500 metres and closing. 400…300…
KRYTEN STOPS FUMBLING AND SEARCHES THE SURROUNDING SPACE
KRYTEN
See here Holly, enough is enough! You’re always going to hold a grudge against me over dating that binary droid – but she did have a wonderful figure – or set of them.
HOLLY
100 meters. Are you blind as well as numerically fixated?
KRYTEN
There’s nothing wrong with my systems. Hold on… I’m sensing something… It’s a kind of buzzing.
HOLLY
Buzzing? That’s appropriate. This could be the bee all and end all of life as we know it!
NO REACTION.
HOLLY
You know?… Bee?… Buzz?… Okay, that was infantile humour. This isn’t though! 40 metres and closing. They’re almost on top of you. Get outta there! That was in a movie once – but it didn’t stop the hero being torn limb from limb.
KRYTEN IS NOW HYSTERICAL.
KRYTEN
Stop. I’m looking. Oh smug! (Gulp)
LISTER LOOKS TOWARDS RIMMER
LISTER
I think Kryties swallowed our invasion fleet. Nice one Rimmer!
INTERIOR RED DWARF CELL
KRYTEN SITS UPRIGHT ON A SENSIBLE CHAIR. HIS HEAD, UP TO HIS EYES, IS BOUND IN SILVER GAFFER TAPE.
LISTER
(To Holly) Replay the tape please Holly.
TAPE RUNS.
ALIEN 1
You tricked us Earthlings. Now you’ll pay dearly.
HE REMOVES HIS MASK TO REVEAL A VERY SILLY LITTLE HEAD. EVERYONE LAUGHS.
ALIEN 2
(Off camera) Should’ve kept it on. They always laugh. Blows our cred.
FIRST ALIEN COMPOSES HIMSELF.
ALIEN 1
We are the Demonstroes. We destroy worlds.
HE PRODUCES THE BIGGEST RAY GUN EVER.
ALIEN 1
In approximately five of your earth minutes we’ll beam back to our home world and self-destruct our ships.
ALIEN 2
(Off camera) Make that 10 minutes! I can’t get this damn suitcase closed.
ALIEN 1
Er, make that 10 minutes – but you’ll still be sorry! It will result in the forming of a critical radioactive mass which will destroy all the occupants of your craft. It’s nothing personal. Hey, we just are what we are – and we’re just naturally destructive.
TAPE ENDS.
CAT
Hey dude! So what do we do? This cat’s got the worst case of dog breath ever! (indicating Kryten)
RIMMER
I say we dump him out the airlock. Quick and clean. Yes.
LISTER
Rimmer, what were you saying earlier about loyalty?
RIMMER
Well…
KOCHANSKI PASSES HER METRE OVER KRYTEN.
KOCHANSKI
The radioactive mass seems to be centred around the chest area.
LISTER
Thought as much. Of course surgery’s the only answer
RIMMER LOOKS INCREDULOUS
RIMMER
Last Christmas you couldn’t even find the turkey’s back passage without road map. How do you expect to pull off this Doctor Christian Bernard special?
LISTER
From within Rimmer, from within. All those years watchin’ science fiction movies wasn’t a waste! We use Nanobot technology and reduce ourselves in size. Then we’re injected into Kryten’s body.
KRYTEN WINCES.
LISTER
Holly, where’s a suitable entry point in Kryten’s structure?
HOLLY
In the posterior region! I was just waiting for you to ask that.
KRYTEN NOW LOOKS TERRIFIED. LISTER TALKS TO HIMSELF.
LISTER
So we need a probeship as transport and I’ve got the insertion device sussed.
KRYTEN LOOKS NEAR PASSING OUT.
RED DWARF CORRIDOR
(LATER) KOCHANSKI ENTERS THE CELL HOLDING A TOOLBOX AND A CAN OF LEOPARD LARGER. LISTER GRABS THE CAN
LISTER
Cheers! It’s thirsty work this technical thinking.
KOCHANSKI PLACES HER HAND OVER THE CAN TOP JUST AFTER LISTER’S TAKEN A SWIG.
KOCHANSKI
It’s empty Lister – except for the one dropship! I wouldn’t swallow unless you want a severe case of indigestion.
LISTER COUGHS THE CONTENTS BACK INTO THE CAN. THE SKUTTERS APPEAR AND TAKE CONTROL. THEY PLACE THE DROPSHIP ON A PLINTH AND UNPACK THE TOOLBOX – REVEALING KRYTEN’S NANOBOT DEVICE. THE CREW LINE UP AND HOLLY ADDRESSES THEM.
HOLLY
Ready everyone? 10 and counting. There’ll be a bright flash, you can smile if you like! Just remember you’re making history. You’re on the verge of a scientific…
HOLY PAUSES. THE SKUTTERS READY THEMSELVES, CLUTCHING A HUGE CONVERTED BICYCLE PUMP. THEY FOCUS ON KRYTEN’S REAR.
HOLLY
…Well… Breakthrough, if you’ll pardon the expression. For the sake of common decency I won’t recite the ‘where no man has gone before’ speech. I’m sure I’ll find a more appropriate passage! Sorry.
THE NANOBOT DEVICE SHRINKS EVERYONE TO THE SIZE OF THE DROP SHIP. BOB THE SKUTTER CAREFULLY LOADS THE MINIATURISED PACKAGE INTO A RECEPTACLE ON THE END OF A PUMP. KRYTEN LOOKS WORRIED, VERY WORRIED. THE CREW SETTLE DOWN IN THEIR POSITIONS INSDE THE CRAFT. THROUGH THE FRONT VIEW SCREEN THEY SEE KRYTEN”S BOTTOM AS THEIR IMMEDIATE TARGET.
LISTER
I’m starting to feel this could be carrying friendship a little bit too far.
THE SKUTTERS INJECT THE DROPSHIP. A BLINDING LIGHT CONFRONTS THE CREW.
CAT
Wow! I thought it was only Rimmer who thought the sun shone out of his posterior!
LISTER LOOKS IN AWE AT KRYTEN”S INTERIOR.
MODELSHOT – THE DROPSHIP HURTLES PAST GIANT DIODES EMBLAZONED WITH SLOGANS; ‘DRINK COKE’ AND ‘LEOPARD LARGER GETS YOU PISSED!’
LISTER
Smeg! It’s wonderous init? Man has finally replicated the work of God – if you discount the Product Placement Advertising, dodgy microwelding and re-use of sub standard lavatory components. We’ve really created something…
CAT
Special?
LISTER
No… Different.
CAT
What? Different as in what dogs drop on pavements – squishy or hard variety?
MODELSHOT – A FLOCK OF ELECTRIC SHEEP LEAP IN FRONT OF THE CRAFT CAUSING IT TO SWERVE.
CAT
Hey, looks like that dude was right after all!
LISTER
Yeah, Kryten’s now in dream mode. We could be seeing some strange things from here on in.
CGI/MODELSHOT – FLOATING IMAGES OF KRYTEN APPEAR. HE”S CAREFULLY FLATTENING MR LISTER’S SOILED UNDERWEAR AND SOCKS AND THEN LOADING THEM INTO A WASHING MACHINE. THIS PLAYS IN A CONTINUOUS CYCLE.
RIMMER
He really doesn’t get out enough does he?
CGI/MODELSHOT – A MONTAGE OF VINTAGE KRYTEN MOMENTS UNFOLDS INCASED IN TRANSPARENT THOUGHT BUBBLES.
CAT
How can we even be seeing this when we’re not even in his head?
RIMMER
Considering Kryten’s head resembles a damaged traffic bollard why should his internals make any more sense?
CAT
That explains it. I could have sworn we flew past his brains on the way in.
KOCHANSKI
We’re nearing the alien mass. I can’t see a way through.
CAT
Well this is one incredible journey I never saw myself making. Give me that walk to London with that Whittington dude anyway. Or ebem that Postman Pat! This is just plain weird!
MODELSHOT – THE PROBESHIP COMES TO A REST IN FRONT OF A PICTURESQUE MECHANOID LAGOON WITH AN UNDERWATER TUNNEL OPENING.
CAT
Wow! Looks just like your Figi Island Lister!
LISTER CONSULTS METERS AND SENSORS.
LISTER
Except for the deadly radioactive source contaminating everything in sight and the fact that the ‘beach’ is composed of Kryten’s phlegm residue – you could be right.
KOCHANSKI
Arnold, we can’t facilitate the entrance parameters with our overall tech specs.
RIMMER
In other words “we’re too large for the orifice.”
LISTER
There’s a first time for everything Rimmer. Don’t get cocky! We’ve got to get through that tunnel somehow.
CAT LOOKS AT THE CONSOLE INSTRUMENTATION. ONE BUTTON IS EMBLAZONED WITH THE WORD ‘CAT’.
CAT
Wow! It’s got my name on it!
BEFORE ANYONE CAN STOP HIM HE PUSHES IT.
MODELSHOT – ON THE EXTERIOR OF THE DROPSHIP, CATERPILLAR TRACKS FOLD OUT MAJESTICALLY, ALLOWING THE FRONT SECTION TO TRUNDLE DOWN TO THE ‘WATERS’ EDGE. THEY ALL WATCH ON A MONITOR – IMPRESSED.
CAT
Sheer elegance! But then again, what else what you expect?
MODELSHOT – LISTER STEERS THE CRAFT FORWARD. WHEN SUBMERGED, THE TRACKS AUTOMATICALLY RETRACT AND UNDERWATER FANS KICK INTO ACTION.
CAT
(Alarmed) Hey, whats with the H2O! I’m feeling decidedly wet – and us cats don’t take to the liquid unless it’s milk.
RIMMER
Don’t be a wet pussy! We’re adventurers on a fantastic… er, adventure!
LISTER
We’re voyagers Rimmer. Like Jason and the Argonauts – but we’ll be wearing a Kryten overcoat if we don’t exit here in 15 minutes. That’s when we expand to normal size.
HOLLY
We’re under attack. There’s something coming up from behind.
CAT
Hey! A’ Thought that was us!
LISTER
No – it’s on the scope. Looks like a swarm of something.
CAT LOOKS OUT OF THE REAR AIRLOCK WINDOW.
CAT
Yep. It’s a swarm of white meeces.
RIMMER JOINS HIM.
RIMMER
Not meeces – or even mice.
RIMMER LOOKS DISDAINFULLY TOWARDS CAT.
RIMMER
They are in fact giant flying sanitary towels.
CAT LOOKS PERPLEXED.
RIMMER
Don’t even ask!
CAT
Well whatever they are – they look mean – and they’re definitely out for blood!
HOLLY
It must be Kryten’s feminine side trying to protect him. She thinks we’re the enemy.
MODELSHOT – THE TOWELS SWIM INTO THE PROPELLER DUCTS AND JAM THE FANS> THE ENGINE LIGHTS EXTINGUISH ON LISTER’S CONTROL PANEL.
RIMMER
The engines are dead. There’s nothing we can do!
MODELSHOT – THE SUB STALLS AND DROPS INTO A CRASH DIVE
LISTER
U.R.1!
RIMMER
One what?…
LISTER
No! U.R.1 – Utility Remote Mark One. It’ll do the job!
RIMMER
How are you suddenly an expert on corporation hardware?
LISTER
(Timidly) Found the owner’s manual. It was in the glovebox.
LISTER PRODUCES A HEAVY BOOK AND PROCEEDS TO OPEN IT OUT OF VIEW.
LISTER
Let me see… Page five I think… Yes!
RIMMER SHAKES HIS HEAD IN EXASPERATION AND TAKES THE BOOK LOOKING AT THE COVER.
RIMMER
(Reading) The pop-up book of probeships. Recommended reading for five to nine…
CAT
(Interrupts) …But it’s ten thirty four now!
LISTER STARTS TO SAY SOMETHING BUT GIVES UP.
LISTER
It’ll work man.
HE PUSHES A RELEASE MECHANISM. THE UR1 SWINGS OUT OF AN EQUIPMENT RACK AND WINDS DOWN TOWARDS A FLOODED HATCH ON THE FLOOR. IT STOPS AT EYE LEVEL WITH CAT. IT’S ONE EYE FOLLOWS HIS GAZE IN A THREATENING FASHION.
CAT
I don’t like you. I’m gonna keep you on a tight leash buddy!
IT”S CLAW ROTATES AND IT GIVES A TWO FINGER SALUTE AS IT DISAPPEARS INTO THE WATER.
HOLLY
We’re sinking fast. Five minutes to squash level.
KLAXONS BLARE AND BEACONS ROTATE. LISTER AND RIMMER KIT UP ‘A TEAM’ STYLE. INTENSE ACTIVITY ENDING WITH BOTH SITTING READIED WITH PROTECTIVE VISORS AD HEAVY PLUG GUNS. CAT IS REVEALED TO BE WEARING DESIGNER WATERPROOFS AND A LARGE TRANSPARENT UMBRELLA ENCAPSULATES HIM.
CAT
C’mon you guys – It’s almost squash level. Where’s the orange juice?
LISTER
Cat, it doesn’t exactly involve juice. Then again, if we were grapes in a wine vat being trampled on by overweight peasant girls…
CAT
I’d be juiced up!
HOLLY SHAKES HIS HEAD.
HOLLY
What Lister’s trying to explain is the process of explosive decompression. The tremendous bulk of liquid above us will… eh… be most beneficial if you’re all on an extreme sliming program. ‘Atkins’ eat your heart out.
RIMMER
So, you’re telling me we’re going to be flatter than the front of a male eunuch’s jock strap?
LISTER
Well kinda…
RIMMER
… And I’m going to be sandwiched in there with you and him!
CAT
At least you’d be going out in style…
CAT ADMIRES HIMSELF.
CAT
…And what style!
LISTER TURNS TO HOLLY.
LISTER
Holly, give us the facts.
HOLLY
As the pressure increases we’ll start to leak…
CAT
I could’a told you that!
HOLLY
…The tanks will blow and then it’s pancake time.
A LOUD EXPLOSION REVERBERATES THROUGH THE HULL. HOLLY APPEARS ON A SCREEN WEARING A DUNCES HAT.
HOLLY
OK, so I got the order wrong. That was the helium tank exploding. They’ll contaminate the oxygen supply. I think a change of hat is in order.
HOLLY REAPPEARS WEARING A MICKEY MOUSE HAT WITH EARS. CAT STARTS TO ASK “WHY?” AND FINDS HIMSELF TALKING WITH A HIGH PITCHED SQUEAK.
RIMMER
(Squeaks) We’re all going to go out as vey flat two dimensional cartoon characters. I don’t believe this.
LISTER
(Squeaks) Sit down and save air. There’s still a chance.
MODELSHOT – OUTSIDE UR1 REMOVES THE LAST OF THE TOWELS. THE ENGNES BURST INTO LIFE.
LISTER
(Squeaks) U.R.1. helluva guy. Get back in here.
UR1 STARTS TO ASCEND FROM THE HATCH. IT”S DRIPPING IN WATER AND SLIME. IT AGAIN STOPS LEVEL WITH THE CAT.
CAT
(Squeaks) Don’t suppose you’re too bad after all.
U.R.1. SHAKES ITSELF DRY IN DOG FASHION. GUNK SPLATTERS OVER CAT’S FACE.
LISTER
(Squeaks) … and watch out for his drying mode.
CAT
(Squeaks) Thanks… But a little bit late.
THE SUB CONTINUES IT’S JOURNEY. CAT IS NOW DRY AND SPEAKING NORMALLY.
CAT
(Pointing) Hey, there’s that thingamajig!
RIMMER
The radioactive mass!
CAT
Yeah, that’s what I said! The thingamajig!
LISTER
Let’s bag it and get outta here.
MODELSHOT – LISTER EXTENDS THE CRAFTS ARMS. SWEAT DRIPS FROM HIS BROW. THE MECHANICAL EXTENSIONS MOVE WITH GREAT DEXTERITY ABOUT THE EQUIPMENT HOLD. THE CLAWS PRODUCE A WILBUR WEASEL THERMOS FASK.
RIMMER
That’s it? Our fate relies on a WIlbur Weasel thermos flask? Have I missed the plot?
LISTER
It’s lead lined. Adapted for Zero G use when the official Wilbur Weasel Fan Club proclaimed all meetings should be held in space according to their leader’s instructions.
RIMMER
I have missed the plot!
LISTER SNATCHES AND ENCASES THE MASS
LISTER
Done! Now let’s move it!
MODELSHOT – THE CRAFT POWERS FORWARD AND REACHES THE NEXT UPWARD INCLINE. THE TRACKS DEPLOY AND IT MAKES IT’S WAY TO THE SURFACE TO SEE KOCHANSKI IN THE PICK UP CRAFT.
LISTER
You beauty! One day you’re gonna see the light and…
KOCHANSKI
Yes I did see the light – and it shone out of Kryten’s bottom. Let’s cut to the chase and exit this BBC2 science documentary.
MODELSHOT – THE CRAFT LOCK TOGETHER AND TAKE OFF.
EVERYONE SEEMS PLEASED TO THE EXTENT OF LOOKING SMUG. THIS IS INTERRUPTED BY A HUGE PHYSICAL TREMOR.
PRISON CELL INTERIOR
KRYTEN’S HEAD SUDDENLY EXPANDS FOR AN INSTANT, TAKING ON THE SHAPE OF THE DROPSHIP.
INTERIOR DROPSHIP
CREW ARE SHAKEN
RIMMER
That didn’t conform to the pattern of normality! What the smeg happened?
KOCHANSKI
A blip. We’re about to enlarge to our real size.
RIMMER
But that’s not for another 15 minutes according to Lister’s calculations.
HE HESITATES AND REALISES WHAT HE”S SAID.
RIMMER
Why did I just feel very stupid saying that last sentence?
LISTER
Look, it’s not my fault. Kryten and the nanobots are unknowns. We are just guessin’.
RIMMER
You could have chosen a better time to tell us all that. Were you saving it for a window in the prison advent calendar? What a sad end of a potentially illustrious career.
LISTER
Slow down Rimmer. We’re here for a noble cause: friendship. It’s because we care…
CAT
Right now I care… about one person… and your’e looking at him. So if you wanna save your own hides you’d better follow my feline instincts.
HE FLICKS A SCANNER JOYSTICK AND LOCATES HIS TARGET.
CAT
Nasal passage, yip. Let’s tickle those whiskas!
LISTER
Of course! Kryten’s nose filters. We could make him… (pauses in thought)… smeg everybody strap in!
MODELSHOT – INTENSE ACTIVITY. CAT USES THE MECHANICAL ARM TO STROKE THE LARGE FIBRES.
EXTERIOR ON KRYTEN
KRYTEN
Someone get me a hankerchief fast, or we could be scrapping Mr Lister and his team off the floor!
THE SKUTTERS SCATTER. KRYTEN IS ABOUT TO SNEEZE AS BOB OFFERS HIM A LADY SIZED TISSUE. KRYTEN RAISES HIS EYES TO THE HEAVENS THEN SHRUGS.
KRYTEN
Oh well, it’s all about the trajectory. Must concentrate on what Mr Lister taught me about catching it in a hanky.
KRYTEN’S HEAD ERUPTS IN THE BIGGEST SNEEZE EVER.
CORRIDOR (LATER)
EVERYONE STANDS EXPECTANTLY AROUND A LARGE PORTHOLE. KRYTEN ADDRESSES LISTER.
KRYTEN
You know Sir, we could be witnessing a new beginning. I analysed the glowing mass. It’s expanding at a tremendous rate and will soon break free of it’s containment. It’s composed of all the key elements necessary for it’s evolution into a star system of planets with the ability to generate and sustain life.
LISTER
It’s ironic isn’t it, that a race bent on demonic destruction will be responsible for the wondrous creation of fertile new worlds.
KRYTEN
Considering our part in the great scheme of things, it’s our honour, I would think Sir, to name one. Maybe after a planet in your own fondly missed universe. Perhaps ‘New Earth’? Yes, I like that. New Earth.
MODELSHOT – THE THERMOS HURTLES AWAY FROM THE DWARF. CAT”S VOICE IS HEARD OVER THIS MOMENTOUS AND MOVING IMAGE.
CAT
Considering it’s humble origins I’d call it ‘Uranus II’.
A LOUD SMACK IS HEARD FOLLOWED BY “YEOW!”
MODELSHOT – THE GLOWING OBJECT DISAPPEARS MAJESTICALLY INTO THE DEPTHS OF SPACE.
THE END